I AM SMILING.
So. For my 50th post in an inconsistent stream of blogs, I thought I’d just tell you all… I am smiling – and you have no idea how fantastic it feels to really smile.
I’ve been refined by fire – and my faith in God is strong. Looking back, I can see that God’s plan for me has been executed in my life, and it couldn’t have worked out any more perfectly. I’ve started again and I am totally ready to forgive; but my oh my did I need a good clean out. What I think is totally crazy though is that in my subconscious habit of ‘putting walls up’, I can still remember what it feels like to be at the bottom of a pit; and I think that it’s a good thing I can still feel the ‘sting’ a bit, because being me – someone who must always learn the ‘hard way’ – I need to remember why I am the way I am. – does that even make sense? lol
It’s been a long journey, but one that was totally necessary. Now that I’m at the end of this particular march, I can see God replacing crappy things in my life with really good things – he’s taken all the crap and turned it into a goodness I never knew existed – God’s taken my Regina Spektor and turned it into Emiliana Torrini! Icelandic over Russian any day my friend… haha. Doo. Doodoo. Doodoo. Doo. Doo. Doo.
You know what else I think is amazing?!?!? I can actually see how God has operated ON my life. It’s like he was performing a double bypass on my heart and hooked me up to his ‘spirit drip’ life support to keep me alive while he cleaned me out. Geez, I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing i feel. He wasn’t just walking next to me, he was carrying me on his shoulders.
No going back now. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s tempting to relive ‘the glory days’ – which is sort of a stupid term because they were anything but ‘glory days’, but I think you get the gist.
I really feel that this is a huge time for me right now, so to all my incredible friends who sat there frustrated at me while I reasoned with myself to accept the wrong things (and they all know what I’m talking about) – thank you. So much. Really truly, I love each and every one of you individually. Without your rebukes, prayers, words of wisdom, cups of tea and hugs, I shudder to think how much worse the process would have been. You were my ‘crash mat’ and clarity amongst the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I love you all – nothing could be more true (except for maybe the fact that God loves you…)
You’re an incredible bunch of girls.